I just found a solution:
Keep in mind that auto is deprecated.
That method works by following the documentation on EFF's official certbot docs. Then I can run sudo certbot-auto install (since /usr/local/bin/ was already in my $PATH (If it isn't in your $PATH, run sudo /usr/local/bin/certbot-auto install). Because I used that wrapper though, instead of using certbot to manage SSL certificates, I use the command, certbot-auto. Hope if anyone else runs into the same problem, this information helps 
Well it got me to Certbot version 1.9.0 which is what I wanted. 0.31.0 is horribly outdated. The Debian project is at fault for that. You'd think that for packages like that, packages that really need the security and bug fixes, that the OS who prides itself on stability would upgrade certbot to keep that reputation of stability...
I concur completely. 
Isn't docker just as terrible as snap?
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